Have you ever met someone that you just didn’t like, but felt bad for not liking? You don’t really DISLIKE that person; you just don’t want to date them. I think it’s the most awkward feeling especially when you know that the person likes you. What is it all about? Is it attraction? Is it chemistry? Is it being picky? What is it?
I always felt like when I met the person that I will develop a relationship with that I would know… IT’S HIM!!! Maybe I should go ahead and drop that notion. Maybe I could like this man, in time, maybe :-(. There isn’t anything wrong with him, I just dont think he’s for me. Although I will admit, my “It’s him” radar has been faulty to say the least. It may need a recalibration or something. Everytime I meet someone that I think I could see myself with, it goes south for one reason or another. There havent been many, like two and a possible, but still.
My friend thinks that I’m torturing myself. I wouldn’t say it is torture, more so doing something I don’t necessarily want to do… at least under the pretense of dating, maybe as just friends. I think we could be friends, but then I ask myself. If you like someone enough to be their friend, why can’t you be their “girlfriend?” Is the friend line used just to soften the blow?
I think this person is just not what I want. That’s ok, right? Of course it is. My sister asked, “What if what you want, isn’t what you need?” Ugh… I don’t know about that; a question that I didn’t anticipate. BUT even if that is true, I would like to get what I need with a spoon full of sugar and a chaser of what I WANT. Maybe I want too much. I’m just rattling at this point. It helps me sort my thoughts…
All I know is that I am not being fair to another person. I’m not mean or anything, but my heart is not in it. I also know that a man would drop me like a freaking scorching hot rock handed to him by the devil and not answer my calls or texts if it were the other way around. So why the heck am I putting myself through this? Anyway this has been therapeutic. I’m still not sure what I should do, but I have to make a decision soon.