MyPuzzlePeace: Piecing It Together

From the Inside In

Archive for the tag “break-up”

A Lose, Lose, Lose Situation

Why is it that men think the world revolves around them? They can say and do whatever they please and women are supposed to just accept it. My friend recently called it quits with a guy she had been seeing for a few months and he can’t seem to understand why. They didn’t have a connection, he didn’t get her, and he’s boring. This weekend, however, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She asked him to hang out and although he agreed he didn’t respond for almost two hours. This man got mad at her for making other plans and going out with me!!

Is he suggesting that she should have waited around for him to decide to show up? Maybe he is suggesting that she should’ve blown up his phone to confirm if they were still going to get together. My friend reached out to him first and his lack of response cost him the opportunity; he can only be mad at himself.

This could’ve played out one of three ways…

  1. She waited around; he came over. This would set a precedence for future behavior. Her acceptance lets him know that he doesn’t need to respond in a timely fashion because he knows that she’ll be there waiting. This is considering she doesn’t go off on him. If she waits around, he comes AND she goes off, now it’s a guaranteed bad night. LOSE!
  2. She waited around, he didn’t come over. She would have been pissed that she wasted her whole night and the potential to meet someone else. She would’ve probably went off on him. LOSE!
  3. She blew up his phone texting and calling to find out where he was and what happened to their plans. This would probably annoy him and bam they would end up in an argument. I’m sure she’d go off on him in this scenario too. LOSE!

As you can see there is no winning in any of the three scenarios and my friend would be stressed out for having to go off on someone. She did the right thing, she went out with me and another friend and we had a great night if I do say so myself. He later told her that she should’ve told him that she was going out. I’d argue, If he had responded that he would have known. If he had any sense, he would recognize his part in the problem. But wait there is more! Two days later, he brought it up and said the most inconsiderate and rude things to her in anger. I believe people are honest when they are drunk and angry. If he didn’t mean it, he wouldn’t have said it. It’s not important what he said, but he crossed the line. Now back to how men think the world revolves around them. Once he cooled off he couldn’t understand why SHE was mad. He made it seem like she was just in a bad mood for no reason and overreacting. He couldn’t acknowledge that he did anything wrong since he didn’t call her a bitch or some other derogatory term.

Sometimes I wonder how society has survived this long. The two weren’t working and this breakup is for the best, but the fact that he doesn’t get it, baffles my mind. Men seem to think they are better catches than they are. I often feel like men and women see the exact same thing completely differently. I say good riddance, but i’m sure someone will say, she should’ve worked it out or all she had to do was send him another text saying she’s heading out. What the hell ever! Did I mention, he didn’t apologize?

NAO

Love Him or Leave Him

045197516e663c7c779bfb491b7d-postI am learning from other couples that you may not be able to have everything when it comes to relationships. It’s like a house that has a great Master bedroom, but a small kitchen. I don’t like cooking so maybe that was a bad example, but you get the point. No one wants to use the word, but there are things that you will have to SETTLE for. It’s really just a matter of what.

A few months ago my friend and I met for lunch and she told me about this man she was seeing and how it was becoming serious. I thought she finally met the one!! I was ready to marry her off to this man. Why do we do that, lol? I guess when you see someone in a serious relationship with after the age of 30, especially when they’ve been single for a while, you just think this is finally it! Welp, it wasn’t.

My friend recently ended the one year long-distance relationship and she is torn. She loves this man and was ready to leave the state to be with him. On one hand he is everything that she prayed for, he’s giving, takes care of her, is kind, likes to travel, wants a family, works hard, all the great things a woman wants in a man. She described him as the type that if she mentioned something that she liked during conversation, he’d buy it and have it delivered to her. How freaking sweet is that. He LISTENS!! The two are complete opposites. She’s outgoing, spontaneous, fun, and goes with the flow. He has no friends, stays to himself, barely speaks, and has no social life outside of her. She figured they’d balance each other out.

So what’s the problem? Apparently he is a broken man and she doesn’t know if it’s something she can deal with long term. He is passive aggressive, a poor communicator, internalizes his feelings, socially awkward, and not assertive. She also doesn’t like that he isn’t her cheerleader and never seems to be happy about the life decisions that she makes, specifically those that would better her life.  He seems to be insecure and probably feels the better her life gets the less he will fit into her world. She said that he always feels like he is not able to make her happy although she gives him reassuring words. Insecurities and self-doubt can be very taxing on a relationship. She believes that he may have some deep rooted issues and is in need of counseling.

So again, can we not have it all? Women want a man who is strong and confident, but at the same time loving and caring. Is that an impossible feat? I wouldn’t think so. I hope not!! It’s like we have to choose…

Kinda lame (sorry girl) and not assertive but it such a sweet heart.

Amazing sex with a non-committal man or get you by sex with the man who adores you.

Not the most attractive man but he gets you and you enjoy his company.

Super hot guy who makes you feel special but he makes someone else feel just as special the next day.

I didn’t know what to advise my friend. I haven’t been in love in so long I almost don’t remember how it feels. I suggested that she make a list of his good and bad qualities. Then look at the bad qualities independent of the good qualities. If she wouldn’t give a man with those qualities the time of day then maybe her decision has been made.

What do you think? Can we have it all? Should she just accept his as he is, as frustrating as it is?

NAO

Make it Easy

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My Little Therapy Session

Have you ever met someone that you just didn’t like, but felt bad for not liking? You don’t really DISLIKE that person; you just don’t want to date them. I think it’s the most awkward feeling especially when you know that the person likes you. What is it all about? Is it attraction? Is it chemistry? Is it being picky? What is it?

I always felt like when I met the person that I will develop a relationship with that I would know… IT’S HIM!!! Maybe I should go ahead and drop that notion. Maybe I could like this man, in time, maybe :-(. There isn’t anything wrong with him, I just dont think he’s for me. Although I will admit, my “It’s him” radar has been faulty to say the least. It may need a recalibration or something. Everytime I meet someone that I think I could see myself with, it goes south for one reason or another. There havent been many, like two and a possible, but still.

My friend thinks that I’m torturing myself. I wouldn’t say it is torture, more so doing something I don’t necessarily want to do… at least under the pretense of dating, maybe as just friends. I think we could be friends, but then I ask myself. If you like someone enough to be their friend, why can’t you be their “girlfriend?” Is the friend line used just to soften the blow?

I think this person is just not what I want. That’s ok, right? Of course it is. My sister asked, “What if what you want, isn’t what you need?” Ugh… I don’t know about that; a question that I didn’t anticipate. BUT even if that is true, I would like to get what I need with a spoon full of sugar and a chaser of what I WANT.  Maybe I want too much. I’m just rattling at this point. It helps me sort my thoughts…

All I know is that I am not being fair to another person. I’m not mean or anything, but my heart is not in it. I also know that a man would drop me like a freaking scorching hot rock handed to him by the devil and not answer my calls or texts if it were the other way around. So why the heck am I putting myself through this? Anyway this has been therapeutic. I’m still not sure what I should do, but I have to make a decision soon.

NAO

Can You Really be Friends with an Ex?

I hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend, well if you were off for the holiday anyway!

My ex called me the other day because he was in the area and asked what I was doing. I told him that I had plans, which I did. He didn’t exactly ask, but it seemed he wanted to hang out. In the past, I would’ve gone if I was free. Why not? This time I wondered… Would I have met up with him if I didn’t have plans? I’m not sure.

Can you really remain friends with an ex? Maybe friend is too strong of a term. People do use the word friend too loosely. Everyone you talk to is not a friend, everyone you associate with is not a friend. So maybe the better question is, can you associate with an ex? Can you maintain a relationship with an ex?

I’ve been single for two years and now that I’m dating; I’ve started thinking more about it. My ex and I don’t hang out or spend time together, but we do talk every now and again… It’s not even that often. We don’t talk about us, we don’t talk about relationships. I don’t even know if he’s dating anyone. We basically talk about work, our family, and friends. I never concerned myself before, because I had no one to talk to and I know he’d listen and vice versa.

I have not thought about my ex and I getting back together for a long time. I really don’t even think I could be with him now. Things I put up with because I was in love, will likely annoy the shit  out of me now!! He is not a bad guy AT ALL, don’t get me wrong, just some annoying things… Ya’ll know what I mean. No more rose colored glass. I have moved on, but is it time that we really part ways and stop communication? We don’t have kids or anything linking us together, so there is no real reason for us to remain in contact.

I’m not in a committed relationship at this time, but I’ve been seeing someone that I like and I’d hate for communicating with my ex to become a potential issue. I have no reason to suspect that it will, but I would have a big problem if the role was reversed. I would wonder why he was holding on.

I was reading “Cosmopolitan” The Case for a Clean Break. They think it is possible to be friends after a breakup, but my question is… WHY? If you wanted me in your life, we’d still be together. These are the steps they provided for a clean break up, do it like a band aid!

1. Lose His Number – Well, I know it by heart… so that’s no help…

2. Call in Reinforcements- Eeehh, it’s not that serious

3. De-friend Him – That was easy enough, he had no social media and I did de-friend his friends that were on Facebook. Score one for Natalie!!

4. Give yourself space – I never gave myself space. Here is the problem! We never stopped talking; it just gradually became less and less.

I know in my heart that I would never let my ex interfere with a new potential love, hey he had his chance!! I think talking to him is familiar, but maybe it’s time to build that familiarity with someone else.

What do you guys think?

NAO

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