MyPuzzlePeace: Piecing It Together

From the Inside In

Archive for the category “Love”

Mr Fix Nothing

What do you do when you feel like your husband is not “masculine” enough?lazy-2
I don’t typically like to subscribe to gender roles, but for the purpose of this discussion the definition of masculinity is… having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness. A man that isn’t afraid of a little grit and can do some repairs around the house.
I met a woman who is newly wed and currently facing a challenge with her husband. She said she doesn’t find him to be masculine enough and it’s affecting her relationship with him.  Side note* This people is why don’t like to sit at the community table in restaurants; everyone seems to think they can talk to me, just kidding.  I guess I have one of those faces.
So your first thought may be, did she not realize his lack of “masculinity” prior to marrying him? I’m not sure, it sounded to me like they had a long distance relationship prior to being married. She gave me the impression that they did not spend much of their dating time in the same location. That’s not ideal, but not extremely unusual, some people don’t shack up until married. Now that they share a life and a home his laziness, if I may call it that, is coming to light.
Why is she feeling this way? She said, her last boyfriend was a “manly man.” He was the fix shit when it was broken, dirt under his nails, ability to solve a problem, alpha male man. Her husband is apparently the, I’m going to go upstairs to finish my TV show because the repair man’s talking is killing the climatic scene of Luke Cage type.  I can see how that would be frustrating. Going from one man who will fix the broken dishwasher to a man who wont even greet and listen to the repair man is quite a contrast. All she is asking is for her husband to do some stuff around the house; pick up a screwdriver every now and again. Even if it’s just to put it away after she used it to fix something.
Granted, she probably shouldn’t be comparing her husband to her ex boyfriend, but is it wrong to expect your husband to do certain things around the house? It sounds like he expects her to cook and clean. I’m single and I have to snake my own drain, fix my own toilet, fix my own leaky faucet, and  troubleshoot my own household issues.  I don’t have a problem continuing to take care of my home after I get married, but I certainly don’t expect to be taking care of the repairs by myself. Not with a man in the house. If I have to take care of everything myself he might as well not be there, IJS.
This is impacting the way she feels about him, so it’s definitely important to her. You like what you like, but he is who he is. Is it wrong for her to feel this way? What should she do?
Feel free to share your thoughts.
 
NAO

Happy V-day!

Wishing everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day!! I hope it is filled with love and joy regardless of your relationship status 😍 

 
NAO

Buckitude… Bad F**K Attitude!

No Cake

Hi everyone! Hope you are having a marvelous weekend!!

I’ve been blogging since 2013, so at this point I think we are friends. Can I get personal with you? I’m about to get personal with you.

I saw a Michael Baisden video, where he asked women if they faked orgasms. It’s no surprise that many women said yes because they wanted it to end, they want to stroke the man’s ego, etc. Everyone knows that women talk, good girlfriends have very few secrets between them. We may not get into great detail because we want to respect the sanctity of the bedroom, but guys if you knock it out the box, the friends know, if you are lame, the friends know. It just is what it is, sorry.

So to my question. Should bad sex be a deal breaker? Do we put too much emphasis on sex in relationships? Do men feel pressured to be on their A game? Do women cause this pressure? My friend coined a new term “buckitud”, which means bad f**k attitude.

Sex is important and full of benefits, for all the reason we all know up to and including release. If you know someone who is tightly wound and on edge, they probably haven’t had any in a while, IJS. Let me ask you, if you owned a company and your employee was not up to par would you let that person go? Hell yes, they are not serving their purpose. I am NOT suggesting sex is the only purpose, but is it wrong to think along those same lines? I understand that it takes time to get to know each other’s bodies, likes and dislikes, and be comfortable with one another. Is it at least fair to say if the performance doesn’t improve that it becomes a deal breaker?

My friends and I had a discussion about this. Bad sex is definitely a frustrating experience. Fellas do you know all that a woman goes through to prep? The de-furring and smell good ritual alone is time consuming. We go through a lot to get right for you, to end up disappointed. Partners need to be on the same page with stamina and expectations. Ladies if you need a man too sample your cake and he doesn’t like sweets, that’s a freaking problem!!!! You can say, oohh I like him, it will get better. Uuhhhmm, what if it doesn’t? What if the sex is boring and lacks excitement? What if he has a problem maintaining an erection? What if he finishes before he starts :-|. It’s already an awkward situation, but do you bring it up later to discuss it?

We’re all adults and friends, so I will say I had an experience that was beyond terrible. We never saw each other again and it pretty much ended.  I know he wanted a redemption visit, but I decided it just wasn’t worth it; I didn’t like him enough. I have another friend who had such a buckitude she wanted to cheat! When you are so unsatisfied you want to sleep with another person, it is definitely a problem. I suppose if someone has enough good qualities maybe it is something you can get past. Read a book, watch a video, visit the adult store, heck I don’t know. Take a look at the videos they are quite interesting.

Let me know what you think. Have you had a terrible experience? Is good sex important to you? Are you willing to stick it out and work with your partner?

Feel free to share. You can post to the blog anonymously.

NAO

A Lose, Lose, Lose Situation

Why is it that men think the world revolves around them? They can say and do whatever they please and women are supposed to just accept it. My friend recently called it quits with a guy she had been seeing for a few months and he can’t seem to understand why. They didn’t have a connection, he didn’t get her, and he’s boring. This weekend, however, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She asked him to hang out and although he agreed he didn’t respond for almost two hours. This man got mad at her for making other plans and going out with me!!

Is he suggesting that she should have waited around for him to decide to show up? Maybe he is suggesting that she should’ve blown up his phone to confirm if they were still going to get together. My friend reached out to him first and his lack of response cost him the opportunity; he can only be mad at himself.

This could’ve played out one of three ways…

  1. She waited around; he came over. This would set a precedence for future behavior. Her acceptance lets him know that he doesn’t need to respond in a timely fashion because he knows that she’ll be there waiting. This is considering she doesn’t go off on him. If she waits around, he comes AND she goes off, now it’s a guaranteed bad night. LOSE!
  2. She waited around, he didn’t come over. She would have been pissed that she wasted her whole night and the potential to meet someone else. She would’ve probably went off on him. LOSE!
  3. She blew up his phone texting and calling to find out where he was and what happened to their plans. This would probably annoy him and bam they would end up in an argument. I’m sure she’d go off on him in this scenario too. LOSE!

As you can see there is no winning in any of the three scenarios and my friend would be stressed out for having to go off on someone. She did the right thing, she went out with me and another friend and we had a great night if I do say so myself. He later told her that she should’ve told him that she was going out. I’d argue, If he had responded that he would have known. If he had any sense, he would recognize his part in the problem. But wait there is more! Two days later, he brought it up and said the most inconsiderate and rude things to her in anger. I believe people are honest when they are drunk and angry. If he didn’t mean it, he wouldn’t have said it. It’s not important what he said, but he crossed the line. Now back to how men think the world revolves around them. Once he cooled off he couldn’t understand why SHE was mad. He made it seem like she was just in a bad mood for no reason and overreacting. He couldn’t acknowledge that he did anything wrong since he didn’t call her a bitch or some other derogatory term.

Sometimes I wonder how society has survived this long. The two weren’t working and this breakup is for the best, but the fact that he doesn’t get it, baffles my mind. Men seem to think they are better catches than they are. I often feel like men and women see the exact same thing completely differently. I say good riddance, but i’m sure someone will say, she should’ve worked it out or all she had to do was send him another text saying she’s heading out. What the hell ever! Did I mention, he didn’t apologize?

NAO

Love Him or Leave Him

045197516e663c7c779bfb491b7d-postI am learning from other couples that you may not be able to have everything when it comes to relationships. It’s like a house that has a great Master bedroom, but a small kitchen. I don’t like cooking so maybe that was a bad example, but you get the point. No one wants to use the word, but there are things that you will have to SETTLE for. It’s really just a matter of what.

A few months ago my friend and I met for lunch and she told me about this man she was seeing and how it was becoming serious. I thought she finally met the one!! I was ready to marry her off to this man. Why do we do that, lol? I guess when you see someone in a serious relationship with after the age of 30, especially when they’ve been single for a while, you just think this is finally it! Welp, it wasn’t.

My friend recently ended the one year long-distance relationship and she is torn. She loves this man and was ready to leave the state to be with him. On one hand he is everything that she prayed for, he’s giving, takes care of her, is kind, likes to travel, wants a family, works hard, all the great things a woman wants in a man. She described him as the type that if she mentioned something that she liked during conversation, he’d buy it and have it delivered to her. How freaking sweet is that. He LISTENS!! The two are complete opposites. She’s outgoing, spontaneous, fun, and goes with the flow. He has no friends, stays to himself, barely speaks, and has no social life outside of her. She figured they’d balance each other out.

So what’s the problem? Apparently he is a broken man and she doesn’t know if it’s something she can deal with long term. He is passive aggressive, a poor communicator, internalizes his feelings, socially awkward, and not assertive. She also doesn’t like that he isn’t her cheerleader and never seems to be happy about the life decisions that she makes, specifically those that would better her life.  He seems to be insecure and probably feels the better her life gets the less he will fit into her world. She said that he always feels like he is not able to make her happy although she gives him reassuring words. Insecurities and self-doubt can be very taxing on a relationship. She believes that he may have some deep rooted issues and is in need of counseling.

So again, can we not have it all? Women want a man who is strong and confident, but at the same time loving and caring. Is that an impossible feat? I wouldn’t think so. I hope not!! It’s like we have to choose…

Kinda lame (sorry girl) and not assertive but it such a sweet heart.

Amazing sex with a non-committal man or get you by sex with the man who adores you.

Not the most attractive man but he gets you and you enjoy his company.

Super hot guy who makes you feel special but he makes someone else feel just as special the next day.

I didn’t know what to advise my friend. I haven’t been in love in so long I almost don’t remember how it feels. I suggested that she make a list of his good and bad qualities. Then look at the bad qualities independent of the good qualities. If she wouldn’t give a man with those qualities the time of day then maybe her decision has been made.

What do you think? Can we have it all? Should she just accept his as he is, as frustrating as it is?

NAO

Make it Easy

famous-love-quote_559764-3

Stop ASKING Insensitive Questions

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I completed my seven days!! It was quite an experience and it allowed me to think and gain some sense of clarity of what I want and where I am going. I made significant progress on my book. I didn’t meet my initial goal, but I will definitely be done by the end of this year. The seven days made me realize how my time I waste doing nothing. NOT COOL!

On to what I want to talk about… People asking questions about your life that is really none of their business.

After my seven days, I went back on Facebook. Everyone goes back to Facebook, it’s like a drug. I actually had no intent to not go back… Anyway…. On my first day back I saw a clip of Tyra Banks on FABLifeShow where she was in tears talking about her struggle to get pregnant. She discussed how she has been trying to get pregnant for years and it’s frustrating, annoying, and hurtful that everyone feels the need to ask, “When are you having a baby?” It may seem to be a simple question, but it’s insensitive and I fully understand.

Granted, I am NOT trying to get pregnant, but I can relate. It is just as annoying when people ask me when I’m going to get married. Why ask me? Why do you care? How does my marital status have anything to do with you? If you are important to me, when I get engaged I will be sure to let you know. Your asking me isn’t going to make me get engaged any sooner. Don’t ask me when I’m having children. I’ll have them or not have them when the time is right. Getting engaged and having children is something that I have no direct control over. I cannot marry or impregnate myself. So basically what I am saying is, stop asking!

I’ve had people ask me, what I am waiting for. Answer, I’m waiting to avoid being a single parent. I’m waiting to be a family unit. I am waiting to have a man in my life that I would like to share my life with. I don’t think that is a problem. Do you? I’ve had people ask me if I am capable to have children. That is the most insensitive question of all! As far as I know, I am, but if I weren’t, thank you for throwing it in my face. So again, what I am saying is, STOP ASKING!

Yes, I realize I’m getting older. I know my age; I’m not stupid. Yes, I realize the older I get the harder it will be to conceive. I’m not stupid. Yes, I know the older I get the riskier the pregnancy. I’m not stupid. This information does not change the fact I am not prepared to have a child, especially considering I am not in a committed relationship. Woman are having babies later in life, I am healthy, and have faith that I will one day have a child. I would love to have a child one day, but having a child does not define and does not make me any more of a woman. I actually read an article that suggested people without children have happier lives, something to consider.

So if you have a single woman in your life. Don’t annoy her with questions you already know the answer to. No she isn’t engaged, if she were you’d know. No she isn’t pregnant, if she were you’d know. Yes, she is aware of her fertility and does not need a medical lesson from you. So please, stop asking!

NAO

Seven Day Social Fast

Screenshot_2015-09-11-15-34-23-1I had a terrifying dream last night. I was in an airplane and as soon as it took off it crashed into the ocean. I didn’t die on impact. I remember seeing the water rising, being scared, and then outside of my body watching the plane go under. I don’t know if dreams really mean anything, but I was on Google the next morning. If it’s in my head, I figure there must be a reason.

The plane… lack of self-confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt. Feelings of hopelessness. Worry of not achieving goals.

The ocean… represents spiritual refreshment, tranquility, and renewal. It can also be an indication of emotional state: being overwhelmed and swept away by stress in life, being brought down emotionally, or drained of energy.

So what’s going on with me? Men. Matters of the heart. Life. So frustrating!!! I don’t know if it’s just me, but a man can ruin your temperament for the whole day. Walking around with a cloud of gloom and moping like Eeyore. Makes no damn sense!! I was watching this video yesterday of a man giving a hilarious yet motivational message. He brought up how when women get out of a relationship they feel like their whole world has come to an end. He said, “It’s just the beginning biiittcchhh!!”

I’ve been meeting different men, dating, etc… The problem. The older I get, the more I realize I need to make wise life decisions about the men I chose to have in my life. Not saying that I haven’t, but sometimes I worry that I am going to make poor choices. I worry that I justify men’s actions when I really should take them for what they are. Men show us who they are and we ignore it. I worry that I allow men to control my emotions. It really bothers me. It doesn’t make sense to me that I allow a man to make me question myself and quality of character. Maybe I feel too deeply? Maybe I internalize things that I shouldn’t? What he said and what she heard is a REAL problem. Ladies, have you ever been in a complete funk over what you heard only to later realize (after discussion) it’s not what he said? Then get completely mad at yourself for allowing yourself to be sad over what turned out to be nothing?

I am taking a 7 day “social” break as suggested by my dear friend. I haven’t decided all that I’m not going to do, but I have a plan of what I will do in the next week. Seven days of early morning mantra and meditation. Seven days of writing (nearly done with my book). Seven days of cleaner eating. Seven days of exercise. Seven days of minimal to no TV. Seven days of Bible passages. Seven days with no dates. Seven days no men. Seven days of clarity. Seven days of reconnecting with me as I have been losing focus and straying away from my goals.

I think this break will be a good jump start. My head will be clear and my mind renewed. I start on Sunday after church; I am ready to take this journey.

NAO

Dating with EB

Hi everyone, long time no write. I’ve been preoccupied or as one of my friend’s would say, lazy. I’m not saying that agree with his calling me lazy, but ehhhh it’s not worth the energy to argue. My energy has been focused on working, social life, family, and ohhh dating. I went to a comedy show recently and the comic, whose name I forget although he was hilarious, said dating after 30 is like shopping on Black Friday when it’s nearly over. All of the good stuff is gone and what’s left has been picked over. Even if you do find something good; you get it home and learn that it’s broken 🙂

I try not to complain too much about dating, notice I said try, the struggle is real. I do meet men fairly often, and at this point it’s a numbers game. I figure I’m healthy, smart, attractive, blah, blah, blah all those good qualities a man would want. Right? Right. In my heart, I have no doubt that I will fall in love again eventually. I do have a friend, however, who is not so sure.

Dating with a disease or disability must be a challenge; hell it’s hard as shit as a healthy person. I have a male friend who has Epidermolysis bullosa (EB) and recently started online dating. EB is a genetic disease that causes blisters on the skin and mucosal membranes (Google for more deets). His mom has been nagging him for YEARS to get married. He is from India and two steps away from having his ass arranged if he doesn’t get a move on. So he’s taking action. He’s created a profile and in his about me mentions his disease… being up front and honest I see. I suppose he shouldn’t hide it; it’s a major part of his life.

He found that he isn’t have much luck and believes that if a woman can have a healthy man, why would they want him. My heart goes out to him. He said whenever a woman reaches out to him, he first tells her about the disease and advises her to Google it. My first thought was, WTF would you do that for?! Don’t give her an excuse to discount you especially if it’s already mentioned on your profile. Her bad for glossing over, j/k. She obviously saw whatever she saw, was interested, and reached out to him. Now here he goes and tells her, proceed with caution, read the fine print, and get back to me. After she Googles it or not, who knows, he never hears from her again.

As a woman I can only imagine how hard it would be to start a relationship with a man that has a medical condition. I would think it would be emotionally draining and expensive, but that doesn’t mean that another woman would not be strong enough or willing to handle it. Maybe my friend should have a conversation with the interested woman and see where it goes and allow her to ask questions. Give her a chance to get to know him outside of his disease and not give her an excuse to dash after initial contact.

Other than my friend constantly calling me lazy, he’s a good guy and quit funny. He was born not expected to leave the hospital alive and is now in his 30s. He’s a survivor. He has a good job, is working towards his Master’s, and lives a rewarding life. Why not meet someone with the same condition, you wonder. His condition is genetic and probably isn’t a good idea. I suppose if they never want to procreate, it may be an excellent idea. They will understand each other’s struggle and be wonderful companions.

I wish my buddy the best of luck on his dating journey. Hell, with my luck he’ll probably be married before me. I have always wanted to go to an Indian wedding, I hear they are awesome parties that last for days!!!

NAO

Why are Woman Emotional Thinkers

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Women are emotional thinkers. I’m not saying all, I’m not saying most, but it is certainly something that I have observed and myself am guilty of. I find that I care more about a man’s feelings than I do my own sometimes. WTF is that about?! I started considering this after a conversation with a friend, Kris (not her real name). She’s single, I’m single and we share dating horror stories.

Kris met a guy two weeks ago, no more than three, if I’m not mistaken. She showed me a picture that they took together the night they met and something about his body language and the way he was holding her made me comment, “a bit much don’t you think?” Let me pause right here. Anyone who knows me, knows, DO NOT ask what I think about anything if you really don’t want to know because I WILL tell you. Ok back to the story… Kris agreed and said that he’s just affectionate and shrugged it off. Ok, I let it go.

I talk to her a few days later and asked how it’s going and she sighs. She tells me that it’s going okay, but he calls a lot and text a lot. Not in a, “Hey babe, how’s your day?” kind of way. He will call at 8:00, if she doesn’t answer then he will call at 8:15, if she doesn’t answer then he will send a text. One could argue he’s concerned, but I would argue he’s a pain in the ass. I can’t have more than 15 minutes to get back to you, what if I’m on the toilet or something. Can I not enjoy my place of solitude and peace? Her words are saying that things are cool, although the calling thing kinda bugs her, but her exasperations are saying, “OMG, what did I get myself into?” I just tell her to be careful with this one.

I talk to her again and this time they are going on a date. Again, she sighs when I mention his name. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is. She said that he wears her out and is coming on too strong. The date wasn’t even a date it was a group of friends hanging out because she didn’t want to be alone with him. She doesn’t even like to tell him where she is because she’s worried that he will pop up to make sure that she is there. If you don’t remember, in the second paragraph, I mentioned that they met two to three weeks ago!!! So now I go in with my unsolicited advice. If you know me you also know, I don’t really care, I’m gonna give it to you how it is and hope you know it’s coming from a place of love. I told her that he is going to be insecure, controlling, possessive, jealous, and clingy. I forgot to mention that when she walked away from him for one moment on the group date, he asked her if she got anyone’s number. Dude, she just went to wash her hands. I told her that he is going to be one of those men who isolate their woman and control their lives and probably has the potential to be abusive. I told her that he isn’t even trying to woo her or earn her affection, he’s pushing himself on her. He’s making sure he takes up so much of her time that she has time for nothing else.

I share this story to say, her response was that maybe she should just talk to him and tell him he’s coming on to strong because maybe he doesn’t know. Now I’m annoyed!! He’s an adult. He knows. You know. It’s only been two weeks; now is the time to do something about it. Walk away! If this is the way he behaves after two weeks, imagine two months or two years. Kris is being an emotional thinker. She does not want to hurt his feelings because she said he is a nice guy and that maybe his ex-girlfriend cheated and that’s why he is insecure. To that I say, “So what, it is not your problem.” I explained to her that he is showing you who he is. Men always show us who they are, but we pretend that we can’t see it. She is worried about hurting him and making him feel bad that, but she’s not considering that she herself is so uncomfortable that every time the topic of this guy comes up she literally sighs and seems to be stressed out. You met him TWO WEEKS ago!!! F***K him and his feelings. I’m just saying! If she behaved like him to a man she met two weeks, he would’ve dropped her like a scalding hot rock.

I’m not judging her, because I get it. I find that I and many of my other friends face the same issue. We don’t want to be the bad guy and essentially put a man’s needs in front of our own. It’s unacceptable. We need to do better than this especially in an instance where the consequences can be detrimental. I pray that Kris leaves this man alone. She has not invested much time or energy and it should be no love lost at this point. She doesn’t even want to spend V-day with him, that’s speaks volumes. She told him that she has plans with her girls. If the guy that I was interested in asked me out for V-day, I’d drop my friends and hope them heifers understand. Just kidding ladies, no really. Everything about her demeanor and the things she tells me lets me know that she does not even like him, but because of her emotions she wants to give him a try. Maybe I’ve watched too much Snapped, but this does not sound like a good situation to me.

Feel free to share your thoughts

NAO

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