MyPuzzlePeace: Piecing It Together

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Archive for the category “Dating”

An Apology to my Ovaries and Ova

img_1630Let me tell you the story of my life. I am a 35 year old Black woman who has never been married, is currently single (with no promising prospects), and has no children. There you go; apparently that’s it. People no longer recognize or applaud my life, but instead remind me my childbearing years are dwindling. Maybe people think I missed that day in sex education. Maybe people think reminding me will make me run out and get pregnant. I am being shamed, for what I thought, was a responsible adult. I practiced safe sex with the goal of not getting pregnant by a man who I could not see my life with. I’m learning that rule only applies when you’re in your early 20s. In response to everyone’s concern, I decided I owed my ovaries and ova an apology for the years lost.

Dear Ovaries and Ova, I apologize for not allowing you to have your time in the spotlight during your optimum years, my early to mid-20s. I selfishly put my needs to acquire a college education and seek suitable employment before your need to reproduce. No, I didn’t need a Master’s degree and I probably should have reserved those years for you. Although my boyfriend at the time did not see the same future with me that I saw with him, I should’ve made it work. If not my boyfriend, I could have bamboozled one of the many men I have met since and had an “oops baby” so that you could’ve done what you were created to do and live out your life mission.

I apologize for the years that I used birth control which prevented ovulation and would not allow you dear Ova to become fertilized. I was hindering you and standing in the way of nature. It was not fair that I subjected you to such levels of hormones that prevented you from doing your job as efficiently as you were designed. There was no flaw with you, it was all me. I thought I was doing the responsible thing for the both of us, preventing unwanted pregnancies. Although praised in my 20s, it’s not what’s up in my 30s.

I am now 35 and I apologize that you may never get the accolades you desire for bringing a life into this world. I apologize for all of the wasted ova that did not get implanted in my uterus. I didn’t realize it was waste at the time, I swear. I will say that I have taken very good care of you all these years, I hope you don’t think it was in vain.  The safe sex prevented me from contracting something that would harm your fertility and my annual visits ensured me you were in tip top shape with no cancerous cells looming. On a positive note, women are having children later and later and I am healthy, so maybe you will still get the opportunity one day. I am doing all I can to find a suitable mate.

Ovaries and Ova, I know that if you could respond you would comfort me and say “It’s not your fault and there is no need to apologize. I am proud of you and I need you to know that you did make the best decision for your life and that of your unborn child.” You would remind me, “Don’t succumb to societal pressures.” You would reassure me, “Once that egg was fertilized and carried to term the beautiful healthy baby would require a great deal of responsibility that you were not ready for.” My ovaries would also thank me for the great care I took to protect my reproductive organs and for maintaining good health which may allow me to still be able to have a baby one day. “Yes, women are having children later. Yes, it may take longer, but you have options. Options afforded to you by the income you worked hard for.”

Yes, I would love to have a child one day. Single mothers, I recognize the struggle, I respect you, and I applaud you, but I’m not ready to join you. Not intentionally. A women shouldn’t be shamed for being an un-wed mother and I shouldn’t be shamed for not wanting to be an un-wed mother. My life is more than being unmarried and childless; I have value outside of reproduction. I am a woman, an artist, hard worker, and so much more. I am dynamic. I am wonderfully made. I will continue to live my life with faith that one day I will be blessed with a child, but if not then that is OK.  I have made peace with it. My patience is thin and children get on my nerves anyway, LOL, just kidding, sort of.

 

NAO

Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a happy new year.  I had an amazing 2016 and I’m excited for what 2017 has to offer. 

Xoxo

NAO

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone a very happy and safe Christmas.

NAO

Holiday Pressures.

It’s holiday time!!!!! You know what that means stress, pressure, and uncertainty lol. The holidays can be a confusing time for people dating. To exchange gifts; not to exchange gifts. Meet the family; don’t meet the family. Spend New Year’s together; spend it apart with friends. Ohhh the dilemmas!! Choices!! What to do?

One of my friends is a bit stressed about meeting mom. She has been seeing this man for a few months now; but they aren’t in a committed relationship yet. She seems to like him, but may be having jitters. When you’ve been single for a while jitters are normal. Anyway… so mom is visiting for Thanksgiving. Nerve wracking right? This could be the determining factor of if she and the guy stay together or not. That’s a lot of pressure. I’m sure it will be fine though; she’s good people 🙂

What about family dinner? Should you invite the person you’ve been dating to dinner? Will that person be overwhelmed? With my parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews there are 12 of us!! That might be a bit much. I’ve met someone that I want to introduce to the family; he asked if he could meet them one by one. I think it’s best to just meet them all at once… when you meet them all at once you just blend in. When it’s one on one all the attention is on YOU. Be prepared for an interrogation!

Gifts are another thing to consider… how soon is too soon to exchange gifts? Should you talk about it? Should you just buy a gift if you want and don’t worry about receiving anything in return? If you do decide to exchange gifts, what do you get? Men are hard to shop for, socks, tie pin… you don’t want to get something too big… those are crappy gifts though. I’m not going to worry about it. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I have enough gifts to buy anyway, there are 12 of us lol. One of my nephews specifically said no clothes, lmao.

So much uncertainty. You don’t want to be pushy, but you don’t want to be put on the back burner. Do you have to make choices about who to spend the holidays with? Party with your friends on NYE or a romantic night? Or both party and then romance, ahhh best of both worlds ;-). Are women the only ones who worry about these things? Probably. I think we worry too much. Well, I’m not going to worry or think about anything. I’m happy and I’m just going to go with the flow. I’m drifting peacefully with a cool drink in my hand.

On another note. I got a new job!! I’m still with the bank, it’s a promotion, and one step closer to where I want to be. I am extremely excited about this opportunity and can’t wait to start on Monday.

 

NAO

Mr Fix Nothing

What do you do when you feel like your husband is not “masculine” enough?lazy-2
I don’t typically like to subscribe to gender roles, but for the purpose of this discussion the definition of masculinity is… having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness. A man that isn’t afraid of a little grit and can do some repairs around the house.
I met a woman who is newly wed and currently facing a challenge with her husband. She said she doesn’t find him to be masculine enough and it’s affecting her relationship with him.  Side note* This people is why don’t like to sit at the community table in restaurants; everyone seems to think they can talk to me, just kidding.  I guess I have one of those faces.
So your first thought may be, did she not realize his lack of “masculinity” prior to marrying him? I’m not sure, it sounded to me like they had a long distance relationship prior to being married. She gave me the impression that they did not spend much of their dating time in the same location. That’s not ideal, but not extremely unusual, some people don’t shack up until married. Now that they share a life and a home his laziness, if I may call it that, is coming to light.
Why is she feeling this way? She said, her last boyfriend was a “manly man.” He was the fix shit when it was broken, dirt under his nails, ability to solve a problem, alpha male man. Her husband is apparently the, I’m going to go upstairs to finish my TV show because the repair man’s talking is killing the climatic scene of Luke Cage type.  I can see how that would be frustrating. Going from one man who will fix the broken dishwasher to a man who wont even greet and listen to the repair man is quite a contrast. All she is asking is for her husband to do some stuff around the house; pick up a screwdriver every now and again. Even if it’s just to put it away after she used it to fix something.
Granted, she probably shouldn’t be comparing her husband to her ex boyfriend, but is it wrong to expect your husband to do certain things around the house? It sounds like he expects her to cook and clean. I’m single and I have to snake my own drain, fix my own toilet, fix my own leaky faucet, and  troubleshoot my own household issues.  I don’t have a problem continuing to take care of my home after I get married, but I certainly don’t expect to be taking care of the repairs by myself. Not with a man in the house. If I have to take care of everything myself he might as well not be there, IJS.
This is impacting the way she feels about him, so it’s definitely important to her. You like what you like, but he is who he is. Is it wrong for her to feel this way? What should she do?
Feel free to share your thoughts.
 
NAO

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Escapada de Puerto Rico

Hola, Como estas?

I went on a Girls Getaway to Puerto Rico and had a BLAST! I would’ve posted a pic that included them, but I feel weird about putting other people’s image out there.img_2458

 

My friends and I went to Puerto Rico for Labor Day weekend, there were eight of us in total . I will admit, that I was smidge nervous about traveling with so many women especially since I have never traveled with some of them, but it was actually an awesome experience. Bonding. Relaxing. Laughing. Partying. Drinking. What more does one need in a fabulous vacation? A man and sex probably!

 

We didn’t all stay in one room, but there was enough of us in one room where I mentally prepared myself for aggravation. I’m the type of person who does not like to waste my day, it drives me crazy when people are slow and take hours to get up and ready. This was NOT that experience, I don’t know how we did it, but we were up and out in under two hours most days. The first day we woke up around 630 am to catch our 8 am bus to go to El Yunque rainforest. Not only were we early for the bus, we were able to sit down to  breakfast AND go to the gift shop for water and water shoes. I was impressed!!

 

For the most part, we managed to do everything together. Another thing that I was a little worried about. Usually when there are so many people no one wants to do the same thing. Not us!! We went to El Yunque rainforest, Old San Juan, The Bacardi Distillery, La Placita to party (met some guys), the beach…. It was amazing! When people weren’t feeling good and went back or stayed in the room, it was all good. On another note, I don’t know what the bartenders in PR put in their drinks, but they taste like juice, yet the next morning I struggled to get my life, lol. My head was like, “bittcchhhh, you need to chill today.” I didn’t chill tho, I don’t listen, I  went to Bacardi to learn how to make three drinks. I’m a certified pro, according to the distillery anyway. I actually think the rum cured my headache. Thank you Bacardi!!

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We did have one sketchy moment where I thought, Oohhh laawwd, my sis ‘bout to lay them hands on somebody. So, three of us were walking down the street and we were talking about something that occurred earlier in the day. For some reason this group of young girls thought we were talking about them. When I walked past them I said, “have a good night ladies” and kept going chatting with my friends. Apparently they started talking trash and my sister, who is the smallest of the group, turned around and started to pop off. Now of course that means I gotta turn around, cause what you not ‘bout to do is talk crazy to my sister. Only I can do that, hehe. My friend extinguished the situation. Brawl and arrest averted, I just can’t… I saw this meme on Facebook and it said, we are in the backseat of a police car and I turn to you and say… I said, “I can’t with you” my sister said, “hehe, my bad.” FYI, my sister claims she is shy, side eye on that one!

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We had such a good time, we decided to have an annual trip. We’re thinking about Turks and Caicos for next year. Except for one friend who is engaged, we are all single, so hopefully this is something we can continue. These are relationships I hope to maintain. You always hear people say that women can’t be friends. I beg to differ, I have a great circle of friends. Why do people think that women can’t be friends with other women? Maybe it is they who can’t be friends, hhmm something to consider.

 

NAO

For Her. For Him. For Us.

7d7f6ea5184ff4f2d8768924bfbcd0e2 I was listening to For Her by Ricardo Del Rio this morning on Spotify and it made me think about a man I met recently. We went from strangers to I kinda like him, to OMG what did I get myself in to, to good riddance in two weeks. That has got to be a new record for a man pissing me off, lol. This man, in my opinion, had a very structured life and no room for a woman in it. It must be true what people say, don’t stay single for too long because it will be hard to share your life. This guy was 40 and said his last girlfriend was in high school; should’ve been clue number one.

We were somewhat alike, although it didn’t seem that we had much in common. How does that work? I don’t know, but it’s true we were similar just on opposite sides of the spectrum. I was willing to get to know him because he did have qualities that I did like. After a few convos, however, it became clear that it probably wouldn’t work, especially since he said he doesn’t like strong women which I am. He was very much an Alpha Male and we clashed on every topic especially those that involved how he wants to live his life in the future. One day I told him that I feel like he has his whole life planned and just wants a woman who he could plug into her place. Yes, her place.

For Her made me think about how we need to be open to compromise after a certain age for relationships to work. It has been at least 6 years since I had to share my life with another person or consider another person’s feelings. I’m ready, but it didn’t seem to me that he was. You’re probably wondering how did I know that in only two weeks. It was the way he spoke to me, he would not waiver in his ideas, and he was somewhat controlling. I don’t think he was a bad guy, just not a good match for me. Thanks a lot Eharmony, with those commercials that come on every five minutes. Thanks a lot sis-in-law who convinced me to sign up, you both get the side eye. Ha, just kidding, sort of.

Next guy I meet I am going to consider if I come off the same way this dude came off to me. I want the next man to be open to make changes for me, me for him, and we for us.

Is there a such thing as being single too long? What do you think?

Anyway, check out the song, For Her by Ricardo Del Rio on Spotify, it’s pretty cool.

NAO

Trump’s Impact on Black Dating

I’ve never used my blog to discuss politics, but this is getting out of hand and I’ve had three dating experience that have been impacted by political beliefs. Thank you Trump for inspiring my first blog post of the year. Never thought I’d thank him for anything.

I am first going to respond to Trump’s question about what Black people have to lose by supporting him, which I also previously posted on FB.

How about my life? That’s something I value. How about the life of my family? That’s something I value. How about the life of every person in this country who looks like me, male or female? That’s something I value. Those are big things to lose under leadership who’s rhetoric is so filled with hate and white supremacy that his mindless drones have a mission to shoot and kill people on sight who look like me. I do not feel safe in the skin that I’m in and there’s nothing I can do about it except not vote for Trump, because it won’t make anything any better, but can definitely make things worse. Because I value my life and all the lives of those who look like me, I have A LOT to lose!! ✊🏾🇺🇸 ‪#‎blacklivesmatters ‪#‎mylifematters ‪#‎alottolose

Now how does this relate?

I went on a blind date with a man that I was introduced to by a friend. I should’ve known his ass was crazy after I Googled him, but I’ll respect his privacy. It was going alright, yes, just alright, in the beginning, and was on a steady decline. I just wasn’t feeling his personality. It was time for me to go, however, when he informed me that he does not vote. I asked, “How can you not vote?” Of course no good response. He does not vote at all in any capacity, presidential, local, amendments, nothing!! I thought that was so ignorant. All that we as Black people have endured to get the right to vote, he was just throwing it away and thought it was funny. If we don’t have anything else, we have our voice and he opts to throw it away. No respect; no second date.

I met a second individual, a White man. For the most part, I exclusively date Black men because it is what I like, it is what I am attracted to, and Black men are who I think I would have more in common with. Anyway, I am trying to be open, I don’t have a problem with White men, just not what I’m dawn to. Very first conversation he informs me he is voting for Trump. I agree, you can vote for whoever you want. I can entertain a relationship with whoever I want. This isn’t going to work. Last phone convo. I like to think that I am an opened minded person, but there has been not one thing that Trump has ever said that I can respect or support. Heck the dude wasn’t even able to say anything, he just didn’t like Hillary. Trump does not value my life or those who look like me and he is verbal about it. In fact he doesn’t value anyone other than himself and his supporters are a distant second if that. Any man who would consider dating a Black woman, could not have possible thought his opinions on supporting Trump would go over well. I could possibly have gotten over the fact that he was a Republican, but not the Trump supporter!

Third experience, this man and I were having a political discussion. He does not support Trump or Hillary. I hear that a lot, ok, let’s discuss. I asked him, what is his problem with Hillary. His response, “I don’t know, there is just something about her.” Ok, again you can support whomever you choose, but I believe you should be an educated voter. I don’t think anyone has to support Hillary, but I find it strange when you are adamant you don’t like someone and yet have NO idea as to why. It just makes you look silly. He is just on the bandwagon. He does not have an opinion of his own. Not a very attractive quality. That’s over!

In my opinion, political values need to be in line. We may not always agree, but when your values contradict mine, we are in for a life of disagreements and disrespect.

Let me know your thoughts. Would you date someone who’s political beliefs are a contrast to yours?

 

NAO

 

 

Happy V-day!

Wishing everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day!! I hope it is filled with love and joy regardless of your relationship status 😍 

 
NAO

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