An Unexpected Kiss
I went to a spiritual advisor about a month ago and regardless to if anything she said was true, it was an interesting experience. One of the things the advisor told me was I will have love when I finally decide a relationship is what I really want and she described his characteristics. Granted the description was vague: He will be a giver, intellectual, funny, a homebody who likes to go out, and someone I can talk to. It could be a stretch, but her description somewhat reminded me of someone presently in my life.
More than five years ago I met Matt through a mutual friend. We have always been friendly when our paths have crossed, but there was never anything between us. I thought he was funny and cool to talk to. He eventually became the guy I would talk to about other guys and all of my horrible dates. He would give me advice. He’d also complain about flakey girls and how guys have it just as bad when it comes to dating. That was our relationship. I guess because I had known him for so long I never really considered him as a prospect. He was Matt! We didn’t talk very often, but when we did we would talk for hours. He could make me laugh, major points in my book, and we would have great conversations even if we were talking about nothing.
Over the years we grew closer and flirty, especially after my breakup, but he was still my buddy. I remember the moment when I realized I may like him as more than a friend. One weekend I decided not to hang out and didn’t feel like being bothered by anyone. I remembered this guy I met at a party called me and I didn’t answer because I didn’t feel like talking. The guy followed up with a text to ask if I wanted to hang out and I told him no, maybe another time. About an hour later Matt called and I answered. I was actually excited to talk to him and I remember thinking, hhmm I must like him. I never gave it anymore thought after that moment; I just brushed it off to he has the ability to cheer me up, of course I want to talk to him.
This past year we started communicating more often, not daily, but frequently. One night he stopped by my house while he was in the area and he kissed me. It was so unexpected and there went my brain. I didn’t know what to think. Was this a one-time thing, did it mean anything, does he have feelings for me, all of the thoughts one could have in this situation I had in a split second. I went with it because I liked him, I think he’s attractive, he’s a good guy, he’s kind, and he’s given me no reason to feel that he would ever disrespect me or use me. So I am sure you are wondering what the problem is.
- It has been five months since that unexpected kiss and I still don’t know what to think of him or us. I no longer tell him about dates, but that may be because I haven’t had any other than him, lol. We aren’t even exactly dating. We’ve hung out since that night; one night tried to mix drinks with a food processor because his blender had a leak. That was a funny night. Although it’s clear we enjoy each other’s company, I still don’t know what to make of it. Are we just having fun? Should I be open to meeting other men? Is he open to meeting other woman? What the hell is he thinking!! Ask him you say? After the night of the unexpected kiss I told him that I liked him, but I didn’t get into anything too deep. He didn’t say anything about his feelings for me. Ouch right? I just remember spilling my guts and rambling, lol, he probably didn’t catch anything I said. It was not awkward though, we talked, but I didn’t end the conversation feeling any clearer about the situation. I didn’t want to press it too much; I like spending time with him. There is some level of joy in this gray area. I’m not spending time with anyone else, so win win right?
- What if he does want to see where this goes? I would be open to that, but what if it doesn’t work out? Although we have a great connection and chemistry what if we don’t work as a couple? What if we get more serious and find that it was a major mistake? Our friendship would be over. I am also scared to invest time in someone for it not to work, but I know that if I don’t then I’ll never know and could miss out on something special. I understand all of this, but none of this matters if we never acknowledge what we are doing. I know that we will have to decide something one day. We can’t stay in limbo forever and we have long crossed that line of just friends. Besides I’m not getting any younger!
I have told myself that I am ready for a relationship. I’ve been single for over three years and there is no more self-discovery that I can do. If he and I do decide to pursue something, I definitely don’t want to rush, but we can’t start from, “excuse me Ms, may I ask your name?” We would need to get to know each other in a different capacity; I’m gonna need him to turn on the charm lol. I’m not sure how I would feel if he decides he’s not interested in anything. I’ve done pretty well at keeping my feelings in check. I can’t fall for a man, who isn’t falling for me, but I’m sure it will still hurt a bit. One thing I do know, if it’s going to be friendship, I need it to be friendship. My brain and heart can’t take it.
This was very therapeutic, thanks for reading. I know it’s a long one. You should’ve seen the first draft 😐